The Little Death

Sometimes, I think I have died a million deaths. I don't really know what the number is, because I've never tried to keep count. But there is a sadness inside me, that weighs heavily. And sometimes it feels like I am at the bottom of the sea and I can never reach the top, because the pressure is around me from all directions. I am at the center of the universe and it is collapsing into a hole that nothing can fill.

I think it's that when pressures around me, on me... imposed by myself, or the world I have created for myself, apply and I cannot find a way through or around them in that moment... they overwhelm me. I don't seem to know how to shed that stress, without pounding on my own psyche. I don't put it away, to be ignored and pretend it does not exist. Nor do I find others to blame my troubles upon. I try, sometimes, to see my difficulties as something other than troubles, as challenges or ways to grow. But in this moment of despair, such efforts yield little results.

I think it's really more than the troubles themselves. I don't really believe they are that unusual or even necessarily that difficult or impossible as they often seem when I am immersed in bleak despair. Because often, a simple night of rest will send the demons fleeing and the joy of life returns with the rise from bed.

So, my question is, if this isn't really about the problems, what is it and why does it plague me? If I'm a mature person able to be reasonable and rational, and I can know that there is (almost always) an answer to any problem and a way to tackle things that might be hard, or challenging, but there are always solutions. If I know this, and am in fact even good at finding them, why do I let myself become so trapped and feel so helpless and hopeless? Why does the darkness descend on me with such a vengeance that I die, over and over...

Because my despair chokes the life from my body with a great pleasure. When I am trapped, the only way out seems to be to escape myself. The agony is physical and manifests itself in my stomach and chest. I feel the tightness and the noose begins to turn. The words descend in my mind, of how futile it is to try anything, because anything I think of won't work... will cause someone pain, will not be possible, is a dead end.

I can think of one example of how trapped I feel by my own creation. My mind kills me with my body on a fairly frequent basis. I am overweight. I am out of condition. I eat too much food that is high in fat and carbohydrates. I honestly, am unsure of what drives me to do so. I worry about my health. But mostly, I feel trapped in a body that has no room for the life I want to live. I find my mind flagellating itself, over it's lack of control. I have tried so many times, to eat less, or find a million different ways to achieve the goal of permanently regaining a figure. But each attempt has met with failure and therefore, my confidence and ability to believe in success has reached such a low, that I no longer even try.

Which only makes it worse. So, when I lay in bed at night, and the darkness descends... my mind tells me with nothing held back, about how much I fail in this area. How there isn't any way for me to achieve success. How undesirable I am. And as I futilely fight back with ways it might work, my mind answers with the emotions I felt when it didn't work before. And I feel heavy, and like I can't breathe. I don't know which way to turn, because there is no answer in any direction. I am disgusting and gross. No answer that works, because I feel like I've tried them all. And I think of how being this way impacts my life. How it keeps me from doing the things I want to do, because everything is so damn hard when you're carrying around an extra hundred pounds. And the thought of trying to do those things anyway, makes me feel like I'm actually carrying around an extra thousand. And I really don't want to think about it anymore. It's so painful, and so sad.

So I make myself feel better... by dying. I think what it would feel like, if I did not exist. I feel bad for the sadness of my family, but then I realized, that if I did not exist anymore, then time, space and reality has no meaning, therefore, the line of time has passed, or not passed and everything is irrelevant. It occurs to me, that physics no longer exists, if I am not there to measure it, so to my mind, the world ceases to be. Therefore, there really is no reason for the pain. And I die. And it feels good to die, because the pain lets go. It can't be there, when I'm dead. There are no pressures or expectations or things to hold me accountable for, or ways to prevent me from doing what I want, because there is nothing. Death, relieves the pressure for a moment. I have to visualize it over and over, for any real sense of release. So, I die again and again, reliving that moment of release from expectations and needs.

There is another way to escape. I go to sleep. And when I wake, all the angst from the night before has dissipated as the shadows left the room. I am refreshed and rejuvenated and I no longer need to imagine anything for release of my internal pressure, because there is none. It isn't just being overweight that sends my thoughts spiraling and I die inside. It can be anything, and I've noticed it occurs most often, when I am under stress. But also, with that regular monthly event that we women experience.

So, when I am in the midst of these emotions and these feelings, they feel incredibly valid to me. I know the pain, very intimately. And honestly, I can't dismiss the troubles that render me deceased, I believe the problems are real. What I question, is the validity of the emotional blackmail my body seems to attack me with. I question the intensity of the reaction I experience to difficulties. It isn't consistent. And it does seem to fluctuate with hormones. Not only that, but it seems my mother experienced the same sort of despair throughout her youth as well.

I don't know what it is. But while I believe in the challenges, I don't think the blackness and hopelessness is valid. Even though I feel these things and think these thoughts and experience things that challenge me, I don't think I really need to die, to resolve them. I just don't know how to make the death wish, and the good feeling it gives me, go away. The hardest part, is the times when I wake in the morning, and I am not refreshed and the pain and pressure has not faded. Then I know there is no relief today and I have no idea if the morrow will prove any better.

stuff

Life is full of choices and sometimes, it's really hard to pick something. The problem is, not choosing, is also a choice. It took me a long time to realize that... to realize that I chose to enter the corporate world, by default and lack of doing something else. I can look back on it now, and realize that I chose it, because it was easy, because it offered me good money and sometimes, because I enjoyed it. But that joy was shallow and evaporated quickly in the myriad of jobs I held. I know that nothing I ever did in the corporate world, really felt like I made a difference to anything but my pocketbook, and ironically - I started to realize it doesn't even make a difference there.

People get so worried about money. Why? Because lack of it can trap you - hold you hostage and make your life into something you don't want it to be. But what people don't realize is having money can do the same thing. It can cause you to make obligations that then you are required to have money for, and then you are held hostage and accountable and you can't leave that money you're making and you're trapped doing what you do.

I had a hard time choosing what to do in life, and I still struggle, because there are so many things I'd like to do. It's sometimes hard to know what I actually will, or will not enjoy. I'm tempted by easy exits, and cash.

So here's the important part of what I have to say. Choose something. Actively think about what you want to do and choose it. It doesn't matter if it's the "bestest" most important thing to you. Pick what makes sense to you and just do it.

Because if you don't, if you let life push you around and take you where it will with it's tide and flow, you don't know where you'll end up. But it's likely not to be where you wanted. It may be just floating under the hot sun, being berated and treated like crap for a pittance. Don't be driftwood, be a canoe - because when you are in charge, you can always change direction. And the experience and strength you gain from paddling, will put you that much further ahead, even if you decide to change course later