I believe with all my heart that life is to be lived and enjoyed. Our time here is too short, and there are so many amazing things to see, do and feel - how can one waste any time on the negativity? And when the burdens in life seem too heavy to bear, it's time to re-assess and let go of the need to seek approval from others. I'm constantly finding ways to improve my way of interacting with my environment. I work on my relationship with my family, and even with strangers - I want to be, the best person I can be. I struggle to move forward and grow - physically, mentally, philosophically - in so many different ways.
But yet, in spite of what I know - in spite of the effort I spend reprogramming myself - I think there are years of torment I have never overcome... ill treatment by others - my peers. Emotionally abandoned by my family and left to my own devices as they struggled with their own demons with their worlds barely overlapping my own. I don't know how much this environment or epigenetics through generations of mistreatment create the judging voice in my own mind.
Sometimes I think we really are our own worst enemies and I find myself withering - not from the comment of a stranger or loved one, but by the scathing thoughts from within. Feeling my own sense of inadequacy... and all my reassurances and beliefs seem little more than trite sayings, passing themselves off as substance but without any more backbone than a saccharine overwrought meme.
I reassure myself that these emotions are fleeting - because they are... they will fade, sometimes quickly - though sometimes they linger for weeks with dark tendrils grasping me and pulling me under, unable to breathe... But I also know that even in it's passing, it is not gone. It is never gone forever. It just waits til the next moment of weakness - returning to convince me that all the growth and efforts I have made mean nothing and it will be there inside, waiting until it's wish is granted.
I think on that, and wonder - what happens when the darkness overcomes? What is left when my existence is no more? And all that is before me seems nothing more than numbers, for we are all assembled of the elements around us - we are all a product of an explosion - and when we die, we just continue in a form that is not organized but is no longer there. What does it all mean and why, oh why, do I need to feel any of this inside. Because if there is nothing, then it doesn't matter and I should be free - to let it go and stop judging.
I should be free, to just enjoy my life and love the time, I have here on earth. I wish I knew how to swallow.
