I think when someone has power and control over someone else, that person has a responsibility to remember that what they say and do, affects the person beneath them, in ways they may not realize. Have you ever had a boss, who made a joke at your expense, and then you know, you kind of have to laugh at it, because they are the one who controls your life in a vital way. Do you really think it's funny? Does it help your relationship with that person? Or do you feel slightly dirty and resentful at having to participate in this farce? Do you feel like you trust them less? Like you don't know what they are going to do and whether or not it might actually hurt you... even if it's "funny"?
Imagine this scenario... you have a weekend getaway planned with your sweetheart... it's been planned for months and you can't wait to go. It's very important to you. The whole office knows you are going. Then your boss calls you into the office and tells you an important contract has come up, and it's absolutely critical that you stay and work that particular weekend. Could you please reschedule your weekend for another time...
Your heart is pounding. You don't want to jeopardize your job. You don't want to upset your boss, but there is NO way you are going to reschedule this weekend, it's too important to you. You're throat is dry and your heart is racing. You look at that stern face and clear your throat and tell your boss that of course you're a team player and you'll do it - while your heart is breaking inside... or you tell this person there is no way and some people might burst into tears... or perhaps yell... but then... hahah - the boss announces that they were just kidding and go have a great time!
The relief is palpable. The adrenaline starts to ebb but do you really think it was funny? Do you appreciate the humor? Are you able to get one back on your boss - what if your relationship is very clear that this boss is in control and you know it's really not okay to do any such thing to them? The boss shows you the web cam and laughs heartily about the stricken look on your face, swinging the display so you can see the whole thing. He e-mails it out to the rest of the office and announces it's going to be part of the year-end national company Christmas video. Are you embarressed? Do you think the boss really thought about your feelings and or cared how you felt in this "joke".
What if your boss was your father in law? Or your father? Would it feel any better? Maybe even worse?
What if the boss was your parent, and you were actually a child. What if the joke was just that they ate all your halloween candy and they filmed your reaction and sent it in to a national tv show. When you cried, they would tell you to toughen up. And maybe that they were teaching you a lesson about over reacting. Maybe they are trying to tell you that you shouldn't trust anyone, because you never know when they are trying to make you look like a fool so they can laugh at you. Maybe they don't hear that your cries of anguish, are coming from your heart. Maybe they think you are "over reacting" because they never hear you and so you cry harder hoping maybe someday, they will somehow comprehend.
Children are people too. And their parents are the center of their world. Parents have power over them - in so many ways and as parents we need to remember that. The child needs your love, understanding, kindness and guidance. Practical jokes should never be at someone else's expense. Especially not someone you profess to love and care for. If it isn't something we can all laugh about together with genuine joy - it's just really not okay.
And yes, people really did do that. It made me sad and inspired me to write this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YQpbzQ6gzs&sns=fb
Friday, November 4, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
What do you want to be when you grow up?
This is from a letter I wrote to my eldest daughter. The points (to me) seem too important to confine to a single person, so I'm posting it here:
You pointed out, that you've been thinking about trying on careers that you've always considered too hard, or something that didn't come easily and "naturally" to you. I just wanted to share some of my own thoughts and experiences on this subject.
First, personally - I think it's a good thing to choose something that is harder for you. Something you really have to work hard to achieve, because it's not easy. Honestly - I think far too many people go to school and choose an easy route, because going to school is what you're supposed to do, but they don't really want to work. Or, they don't really think they are smart enough to do something harder.
But when you pick something that is challenging, and you succeed at it, it means far more to you than when you pick something that is easy - and get through it no problem. You work hard, and you earn it... rather than taking something that was free. Just like anything in life, we always value that which requires energy to put in, rather than that which is freely available to anyone patient enough to pick up what is lying around.
I tried to explain this concept to the little girls(my three younger daughters), because often they feel like anything they have to work hard for, isn't worth doing. I talked to them in terms of World of Warcraft, and how little they valued things that were free or easy, but those things that they decide to strive for and work hard for, mean a lot more to them. They started to understand the concept. The little kids have a hard time with me doing this effort for my career. From their point of view, it takes away a lot of time I could be spending with them, instead. They see me working hard and getting frustrated and sometimes, how unhappy I am.
Because yes, while I am doing this... and even though I am pursuing my life's dream... I am not happy. I HATE doing schoolwork. I hate tests, I hate being graded on questions that are intentionally twisty and hard to understand. I hate the pressure of having to succeed by certain standards or I might not make it into the school I want. I even hate some of the material I have to learn. (though, really that is the least of it, because actually - most of it is extremely interesting to me. )
I hate this all so much, I almost decided to pursue a different degree and switch schools... just a couple of days ago. I felt this doesn't come naturally to me. I learn all this math and then I forget it. I'm not good with labels... I learn all this stuff and don't know how to apply it. I feel like there is something wrong with me and everyone else is getting it and I'm just a fucking idiot. I work hard and then what do I get? A "C"? A "B"? What good do those do me, if I can't get into the program I want?
I saw another program, that I probably could get into. It would cost a bit more, but at the end, I'd have a bachelors of science as a Clinical Lab Scientist. It would enable me to get a job right away - in a lab... I'd be doing diagnostics and I'd be getting paid around $50K per year. I wouldn't have to struggle to keep going to school anymore... and I'd be doing something in science. Sounds great! Doesn't it? Doesn't it?
Well, the problem with this, is it really ISN'T what I'm wanting to do. It's not customer service really - I'm just the technician doing the diagnostics someone else ordered. I'm not learning new and great things that will solve the world's problems... I'm just in some clinic in a hospital diagnosing someone's blood disorder. Basically - it isn't what attracted me into science at all. It's just another fucking worker bee job... where I'm just a cog in a wheel that doesn't really mean much. How long till I get bored of this? How long till I start resenting my job and feeling trapped by the money? How long till I start feeling like a nobody and a peon again, who is stuck doing something that doesn't mean anything to me? Yeah, it's science, but what else am I getting out of this?
When I was considering this... my thinking was how hard it is to go to school... how if I work towards my doctorate, I'll be in school for friggin EVER. How it doesn't come naturally to me. How I don't know what I'd do with the degree once I get it. I'm going to work hard for 7 years and then what? What do I do with it? What job do I get? I don't know!
Sometimes, I just want to roll over and go to sleep and not wake up... because the pressure and strain I feel is so hard. It's really hard. And it's hard to face the next day and all the damn assignments I have to get done... because I feel like I'm on a train and there isn't any getting off once the new term starts... each week passes and I have to get shit done because if I don't... I'm so fucked. And I better do one hellof an awesome job on it... because if I don't... I'm so fucked.
So yeah, I think there is a lot of stress and hardship in trying to make something that doesn't fit and isn't easy - come to life. But you know what... when I DO walk down the aisle and accept my degree, I know I'll have earned it. I'll know it wasn't easy and nobody handed me anything and it wasn't something that just ANYONE with a little time on their hands and some extra money, could do. I'll be proud of my accomplishment and it will help me grow a little prouder inside. So fuck that damn little crappy job and it's enticing me to be a nobody who gets paid well. I've been a nobody who gets paid well for too many fucking years to be sucked off into that trap again. I want good money, yes. But more importantly, I want to do something that MEANS something to me.
And I guess that's really my point in all this. If you're going to do something hard (and yes, I think you should) it should be something that is deeply important to you, deep in your soul. Because otherwise, how to do you say no to the little things that push you and say "come do this instead... I'll give you lots of money" - and you follow that path to find that yes, there is money - but somehow the bills grow just as much and there is nothing really feeding you on the inside. You're just stuck and trapped.
Find a way you want to make a difference in the world and something that makes your heart sing and grow on fire... and then, even when it's hard... you'll still know, you're following the right path.
You pointed out, that you've been thinking about trying on careers that you've always considered too hard, or something that didn't come easily and "naturally" to you. I just wanted to share some of my own thoughts and experiences on this subject.
First, personally - I think it's a good thing to choose something that is harder for you. Something you really have to work hard to achieve, because it's not easy. Honestly - I think far too many people go to school and choose an easy route, because going to school is what you're supposed to do, but they don't really want to work. Or, they don't really think they are smart enough to do something harder.
But when you pick something that is challenging, and you succeed at it, it means far more to you than when you pick something that is easy - and get through it no problem. You work hard, and you earn it... rather than taking something that was free. Just like anything in life, we always value that which requires energy to put in, rather than that which is freely available to anyone patient enough to pick up what is lying around.
I tried to explain this concept to the little girls(my three younger daughters), because often they feel like anything they have to work hard for, isn't worth doing. I talked to them in terms of World of Warcraft, and how little they valued things that were free or easy, but those things that they decide to strive for and work hard for, mean a lot more to them. They started to understand the concept. The little kids have a hard time with me doing this effort for my career. From their point of view, it takes away a lot of time I could be spending with them, instead. They see me working hard and getting frustrated and sometimes, how unhappy I am.
Because yes, while I am doing this... and even though I am pursuing my life's dream... I am not happy. I HATE doing schoolwork. I hate tests, I hate being graded on questions that are intentionally twisty and hard to understand. I hate the pressure of having to succeed by certain standards or I might not make it into the school I want. I even hate some of the material I have to learn. (though, really that is the least of it, because actually - most of it is extremely interesting to me. )
I hate this all so much, I almost decided to pursue a different degree and switch schools... just a couple of days ago. I felt this doesn't come naturally to me. I learn all this math and then I forget it. I'm not good with labels... I learn all this stuff and don't know how to apply it. I feel like there is something wrong with me and everyone else is getting it and I'm just a fucking idiot. I work hard and then what do I get? A "C"? A "B"? What good do those do me, if I can't get into the program I want?
I saw another program, that I probably could get into. It would cost a bit more, but at the end, I'd have a bachelors of science as a Clinical Lab Scientist. It would enable me to get a job right away - in a lab... I'd be doing diagnostics and I'd be getting paid around $50K per year. I wouldn't have to struggle to keep going to school anymore... and I'd be doing something in science. Sounds great! Doesn't it? Doesn't it?
Well, the problem with this, is it really ISN'T what I'm wanting to do. It's not customer service really - I'm just the technician doing the diagnostics someone else ordered. I'm not learning new and great things that will solve the world's problems... I'm just in some clinic in a hospital diagnosing someone's blood disorder. Basically - it isn't what attracted me into science at all. It's just another fucking worker bee job... where I'm just a cog in a wheel that doesn't really mean much. How long till I get bored of this? How long till I start resenting my job and feeling trapped by the money? How long till I start feeling like a nobody and a peon again, who is stuck doing something that doesn't mean anything to me? Yeah, it's science, but what else am I getting out of this?
When I was considering this... my thinking was how hard it is to go to school... how if I work towards my doctorate, I'll be in school for friggin EVER. How it doesn't come naturally to me. How I don't know what I'd do with the degree once I get it. I'm going to work hard for 7 years and then what? What do I do with it? What job do I get? I don't know!
Sometimes, I just want to roll over and go to sleep and not wake up... because the pressure and strain I feel is so hard. It's really hard. And it's hard to face the next day and all the damn assignments I have to get done... because I feel like I'm on a train and there isn't any getting off once the new term starts... each week passes and I have to get shit done because if I don't... I'm so fucked. And I better do one hellof an awesome job on it... because if I don't... I'm so fucked.
So yeah, I think there is a lot of stress and hardship in trying to make something that doesn't fit and isn't easy - come to life. But you know what... when I DO walk down the aisle and accept my degree, I know I'll have earned it. I'll know it wasn't easy and nobody handed me anything and it wasn't something that just ANYONE with a little time on their hands and some extra money, could do. I'll be proud of my accomplishment and it will help me grow a little prouder inside. So fuck that damn little crappy job and it's enticing me to be a nobody who gets paid well. I've been a nobody who gets paid well for too many fucking years to be sucked off into that trap again. I want good money, yes. But more importantly, I want to do something that MEANS something to me.
And I guess that's really my point in all this. If you're going to do something hard (and yes, I think you should) it should be something that is deeply important to you, deep in your soul. Because otherwise, how to do you say no to the little things that push you and say "come do this instead... I'll give you lots of money" - and you follow that path to find that yes, there is money - but somehow the bills grow just as much and there is nothing really feeding you on the inside. You're just stuck and trapped.
Find a way you want to make a difference in the world and something that makes your heart sing and grow on fire... and then, even when it's hard... you'll still know, you're following the right path.
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