Late night demons

I believe with all my heart that life is to be lived and enjoyed. Our time here is too short, and there are so many amazing things to see, do and feel - how can one waste any time on the negativity? And when the burdens in life seem too heavy to bear, it's time to re-assess and let go of the need to seek approval from others. I'm constantly finding ways to improve my way of interacting with my environment. I work on my relationship with my family, and even with strangers - I want to be, the best person I can be. I struggle to move forward and grow - physically, mentally, philosophically - in so many different ways.

But yet, in spite of what I know - in spite of the effort I spend reprogramming myself - I think there are years of torment I have never overcome... ill treatment by others - my peers. Emotionally abandoned by my family and left to my own devices as they struggled with their own demons with their worlds barely overlapping my own. I don't know how much this environment or epigenetics through generations of mistreatment create the judging voice in my own mind.

Sometimes I think we really are our own worst enemies and I find myself withering - not from the comment of a stranger or loved one, but by the scathing thoughts from within. Feeling my own sense of inadequacy... and all my reassurances and beliefs seem little more than trite sayings, passing themselves off as substance but without any more backbone than a saccharine overwrought meme.

I feel the claws of doubt clutching in my chest, a tightness in my throat that rises nauseously from my bowels. How is it I can be so confident in one moment but the rising tide of demands and with their predetermined failures of goals not being met - leave me gasping and wishing nothing more than to be relieved of the burden of their accusations. It is then I find myself thinking I wish I was dead.

I reassure myself that these emotions are fleeting - because they are... they will fade, sometimes quickly - though sometimes they linger for weeks with dark tendrils grasping me and pulling me under, unable to breathe... But I also know that even in it's passing, it is not gone. It is never gone forever. It just waits til the next moment of weakness - returning to convince me that all the growth and efforts I have made mean nothing and it will be there inside, waiting until it's wish is granted.

I think on that, and wonder - what happens when the darkness overcomes? What is left when my existence is no more? And all that is before me seems nothing more than numbers, for we are all assembled of the elements around us - we are all a product of an explosion - and when we die, we just continue in a form that is not organized but is no longer there. What does it all mean and why, oh why, do I need to feel any of this inside. Because if there is nothing, then it doesn't matter and I should be free - to let it go and stop judging.

I should be free, to just enjoy my life and love the time, I have here on earth. I wish I knew how to swallow.

The Little Death

Sometimes, I think I have died a million deaths. I don't really know what the number is, because I've never tried to keep count. But there is a sadness inside me, that weighs heavily. And sometimes it feels like I am at the bottom of the sea and I can never reach the top, because the pressure is around me from all directions. I am at the center of the universe and it is collapsing into a hole that nothing can fill.

I think it's that when pressures around me, on me... imposed by myself, or the world I have created for myself, apply and I cannot find a way through or around them in that moment... they overwhelm me. I don't seem to know how to shed that stress, without pounding on my own psyche. I don't put it away, to be ignored and pretend it does not exist. Nor do I find others to blame my troubles upon. I try, sometimes, to see my difficulties as something other than troubles, as challenges or ways to grow. But in this moment of despair, such efforts yield little results.

I think it's really more than the troubles themselves. I don't really believe they are that unusual or even necessarily that difficult or impossible as they often seem when I am immersed in bleak despair. Because often, a simple night of rest will send the demons fleeing and the joy of life returns with the rise from bed.

So, my question is, if this isn't really about the problems, what is it and why does it plague me? If I'm a mature person able to be reasonable and rational, and I can know that there is (almost always) an answer to any problem and a way to tackle things that might be hard, or challenging, but there are always solutions. If I know this, and am in fact even good at finding them, why do I let myself become so trapped and feel so helpless and hopeless? Why does the darkness descend on me with such a vengeance that I die, over and over...

Because my despair chokes the life from my body with a great pleasure. When I am trapped, the only way out seems to be to escape myself. The agony is physical and manifests itself in my stomach and chest. I feel the tightness and the noose begins to turn. The words descend in my mind, of how futile it is to try anything, because anything I think of won't work... will cause someone pain, will not be possible, is a dead end.

I can think of one example of how trapped I feel by my own creation. My mind kills me with my body on a fairly frequent basis. I am overweight. I am out of condition. I eat too much food that is high in fat and carbohydrates. I honestly, am unsure of what drives me to do so. I worry about my health. But mostly, I feel trapped in a body that has no room for the life I want to live. I find my mind flagellating itself, over it's lack of control. I have tried so many times, to eat less, or find a million different ways to achieve the goal of permanently regaining a figure. But each attempt has met with failure and therefore, my confidence and ability to believe in success has reached such a low, that I no longer even try.

Which only makes it worse. So, when I lay in bed at night, and the darkness descends... my mind tells me with nothing held back, about how much I fail in this area. How there isn't any way for me to achieve success. How undesirable I am. And as I futilely fight back with ways it might work, my mind answers with the emotions I felt when it didn't work before. And I feel heavy, and like I can't breathe. I don't know which way to turn, because there is no answer in any direction. I am disgusting and gross. No answer that works, because I feel like I've tried them all. And I think of how being this way impacts my life. How it keeps me from doing the things I want to do, because everything is so damn hard when you're carrying around an extra hundred pounds. And the thought of trying to do those things anyway, makes me feel like I'm actually carrying around an extra thousand. And I really don't want to think about it anymore. It's so painful, and so sad.

So I make myself feel better... by dying. I think what it would feel like, if I did not exist. I feel bad for the sadness of my family, but then I realized, that if I did not exist anymore, then time, space and reality has no meaning, therefore, the line of time has passed, or not passed and everything is irrelevant. It occurs to me, that physics no longer exists, if I am not there to measure it, so to my mind, the world ceases to be. Therefore, there really is no reason for the pain. And I die. And it feels good to die, because the pain lets go. It can't be there, when I'm dead. There are no pressures or expectations or things to hold me accountable for, or ways to prevent me from doing what I want, because there is nothing. Death, relieves the pressure for a moment. I have to visualize it over and over, for any real sense of release. So, I die again and again, reliving that moment of release from expectations and needs.

There is another way to escape. I go to sleep. And when I wake, all the angst from the night before has dissipated as the shadows left the room. I am refreshed and rejuvenated and I no longer need to imagine anything for release of my internal pressure, because there is none. It isn't just being overweight that sends my thoughts spiraling and I die inside. It can be anything, and I've noticed it occurs most often, when I am under stress. But also, with that regular monthly event that we women experience.

So, when I am in the midst of these emotions and these feelings, they feel incredibly valid to me. I know the pain, very intimately. And honestly, I can't dismiss the troubles that render me deceased, I believe the problems are real. What I question, is the validity of the emotional blackmail my body seems to attack me with. I question the intensity of the reaction I experience to difficulties. It isn't consistent. And it does seem to fluctuate with hormones. Not only that, but it seems my mother experienced the same sort of despair throughout her youth as well.

I don't know what it is. But while I believe in the challenges, I don't think the blackness and hopelessness is valid. Even though I feel these things and think these thoughts and experience things that challenge me, I don't think I really need to die, to resolve them. I just don't know how to make the death wish, and the good feeling it gives me, go away. The hardest part, is the times when I wake in the morning, and I am not refreshed and the pain and pressure has not faded. Then I know there is no relief today and I have no idea if the morrow will prove any better.

stuff

Life is full of choices and sometimes, it's really hard to pick something. The problem is, not choosing, is also a choice. It took me a long time to realize that... to realize that I chose to enter the corporate world, by default and lack of doing something else. I can look back on it now, and realize that I chose it, because it was easy, because it offered me good money and sometimes, because I enjoyed it. But that joy was shallow and evaporated quickly in the myriad of jobs I held. I know that nothing I ever did in the corporate world, really felt like I made a difference to anything but my pocketbook, and ironically - I started to realize it doesn't even make a difference there.

People get so worried about money. Why? Because lack of it can trap you - hold you hostage and make your life into something you don't want it to be. But what people don't realize is having money can do the same thing. It can cause you to make obligations that then you are required to have money for, and then you are held hostage and accountable and you can't leave that money you're making and you're trapped doing what you do.

I had a hard time choosing what to do in life, and I still struggle, because there are so many things I'd like to do. It's sometimes hard to know what I actually will, or will not enjoy. I'm tempted by easy exits, and cash.

So here's the important part of what I have to say. Choose something. Actively think about what you want to do and choose it. It doesn't matter if it's the "bestest" most important thing to you. Pick what makes sense to you and just do it.

Because if you don't, if you let life push you around and take you where it will with it's tide and flow, you don't know where you'll end up. But it's likely not to be where you wanted. It may be just floating under the hot sun, being berated and treated like crap for a pittance. Don't be driftwood, be a canoe - because when you are in charge, you can always change direction. And the experience and strength you gain from paddling, will put you that much further ahead, even if you decide to change course later

Is power funny?

I think when someone has power and control over someone else, that person has a responsibility to remember that what they say and do, affects the person beneath them, in ways they may not realize. Have you ever had a boss, who made a joke at your expense, and then you know, you kind of have to laugh at it, because they are the one who controls your life in a vital way. Do you really think it's funny? Does it help your relationship with that person? Or do you feel slightly dirty and resentful at having to participate in this farce? Do you feel like you trust them less? Like you don't know what they are going to do and whether or not it might actually hurt you... even if it's "funny"?

Imagine this scenario... you have a weekend getaway planned with your sweetheart... it's been planned for months and you can't wait to go. It's very important to you. The whole office knows you are going. Then your boss calls you into the office and tells you an important contract has come up, and it's absolutely critical that you stay and work that particular weekend. Could you please reschedule your weekend for another time...

Your heart is pounding. You don't want to jeopardize your job. You don't want to upset your boss, but there is NO way you are going to reschedule this weekend, it's too important to you. You're throat is dry and your heart is racing. You look at that stern face and clear your throat and tell your boss that of course you're a team player and you'll do it - while your heart is breaking inside... or you tell this person there is no way and some people might burst into tears... or perhaps yell... but then... hahah - the boss announces that they were just kidding and go have a great time!

The relief is palpable. The adrenaline starts to ebb but do you really think it was funny? Do you appreciate the humor? Are you able to get one back on your boss - what if your relationship is very clear that this boss is in control and you know it's really not okay to do any such thing to them? The boss shows you the web cam and laughs heartily about the stricken look on your face, swinging the display so you can see the whole thing. He e-mails it out to the rest of the office and announces it's going to be part of the year-end national company Christmas video. Are you embarressed? Do you think the boss really thought about your feelings and or cared how you felt in this "joke".

What if your boss was your father in law? Or your father? Would it feel any better? Maybe even worse?

What if the boss was your parent, and you were actually a child. What if the joke was just that they ate all your halloween candy and they filmed your reaction and sent it in to a national tv show. When you cried, they would tell you to toughen up. And maybe that they were teaching you a lesson about over reacting. Maybe they are trying to tell you that you shouldn't trust anyone, because you never know when they are trying to make you look like a fool so they can laugh at you. Maybe they don't hear that your cries of anguish, are coming from your heart. Maybe they think you are "over reacting" because they never hear you and so you cry harder hoping maybe someday, they will somehow comprehend.

Children are people too. And their parents are the center of their world. Parents have power over them - in so many ways and as parents we need to remember that. The child needs your love, understanding, kindness and guidance. Practical jokes should never be at someone else's expense. Especially not someone you profess to love and care for. If it isn't something we can all laugh about together with genuine joy - it's just really not okay.

And yes, people really did do that. It made me sad and inspired me to write this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YQpbzQ6gzs&sns=fb

What do you want to be when you grow up?

This is from a letter I wrote to my eldest daughter. The points (to me) seem too important to confine to a single person, so I'm posting it here:

You pointed out, that you've been thinking about trying on careers that you've always considered too hard, or something that didn't come easily and "naturally" to you. I just wanted to share some of my own thoughts and experiences on this subject.

First, personally - I think it's a good thing to choose something that is harder for you. Something you really have to work hard to achieve, because it's not easy. Honestly - I think far too many people go to school and choose an easy route, because going to school is what you're supposed to do, but they don't really want to work. Or, they don't really think they are smart enough to do something harder.

But when you pick something that is challenging, and you succeed at it, it means far more to you than when you pick something that is easy - and get through it no problem. You work hard, and you earn it... rather than taking something that was free. Just like anything in life, we always value that which requires energy to put in, rather than that which is freely available to anyone patient enough to pick up what is lying around.

I tried to explain this concept to the little girls(my three younger daughters), because often they feel like anything they have to work hard for, isn't worth doing. I talked to them in terms of World of Warcraft, and how little they valued things that were free or easy, but those things that they decide to strive for and work hard for, mean a lot more to them. They started to understand the concept. The little kids have a hard time with me doing this effort for my career. From their point of view, it takes away a lot of time I could be spending with them, instead. They see me working hard and getting frustrated and sometimes, how unhappy I am.

Because yes, while I am doing this... and even though I am pursuing my life's dream... I am not happy. I HATE doing schoolwork. I hate tests, I hate being graded on questions that are intentionally twisty and hard to understand. I hate the pressure of having to succeed by certain standards or I might not make it into the school I want. I even hate some of the material I have to learn. (though, really that is the least of it, because actually - most of it is extremely interesting to me. )

I hate this all so much, I almost decided to pursue a different degree and switch schools... just a couple of days ago. I felt this doesn't come naturally to me. I learn all this math and then I forget it. I'm not good with labels... I learn all this stuff and don't know how to apply it. I feel like there is something wrong with me and everyone else is getting it and I'm just a fucking idiot. I work hard and then what do I get? A "C"? A "B"? What good do those do me, if I can't get into the program I want?

I saw another program, that I probably could get into. It would cost a bit more, but at the end, I'd have a bachelors of science as a Clinical Lab Scientist. It would enable me to get a job right away - in a lab... I'd be doing diagnostics and I'd be getting paid around $50K per year. I wouldn't have to struggle to keep going to school anymore... and I'd be doing something in science. Sounds great! Doesn't it? Doesn't it?

Well, the problem with this, is it really ISN'T what I'm wanting to do. It's not customer service really - I'm just the technician doing the diagnostics someone else ordered. I'm not learning new and great things that will solve the world's problems... I'm just in some clinic in a hospital diagnosing someone's blood disorder. Basically - it isn't what attracted me into science at all. It's just another fucking worker bee job... where I'm just a cog in a wheel that doesn't really mean much. How long till I get bored of this? How long till I start resenting my job and feeling trapped by the money? How long till I start feeling like a nobody and a peon again, who is stuck doing something that doesn't mean anything to me? Yeah, it's science, but what else am I getting out of this?

When I was considering this... my thinking was how hard it is to go to school... how if I work towards my doctorate, I'll be in school for friggin EVER. How it doesn't come naturally to me. How I don't know what I'd do with the degree once I get it. I'm going to work hard for 7 years and then what? What do I do with it? What job do I get? I don't know!

Sometimes, I just want to roll over and go to sleep and not wake up... because the pressure and strain I feel is so hard. It's really hard. And it's hard to face the next day and all the damn assignments I have to get done... because I feel like I'm on a train and there isn't any getting off once the new term starts... each week passes and I have to get shit done because if I don't... I'm so fucked. And I better do one hellof an awesome job on it... because if I don't... I'm so fucked.

So yeah, I think there is a lot of stress and hardship in trying to make something that doesn't fit and isn't easy - come to life. But you know what... when I DO walk down the aisle and accept my degree, I know I'll have earned it. I'll know it wasn't easy and nobody handed me anything and it wasn't something that just ANYONE with a little time on their hands and some extra money, could do. I'll be proud of my accomplishment and it will help me grow a little prouder inside. So fuck that damn little crappy job and it's enticing me to be a nobody who gets paid well. I've been a nobody who gets paid well for too many fucking years to be sucked off into that trap again. I want good money, yes. But more importantly, I want to do something that MEANS something to me.

And I guess that's really my point in all this. If you're going to do something hard (and yes, I think you should) it should be something that is deeply important to you, deep in your soul. Because otherwise, how to do you say no to the little things that push you and say "come do this instead... I'll give you lots of money" - and you follow that path to find that yes, there is money - but somehow the bills grow just as much and there is nothing really feeding you on the inside. You're just stuck and trapped.

Find a way you want to make a difference in the world and something that makes your heart sing and grow on fire... and then, even when it's hard... you'll still know, you're following the right path.